Prince Charming

I've met someone and it scares me.

My ex smashed my car up recently and we are waiting to go to Crown Court over everything so life's a mess at the minute my twin sister has also just lost her baby so everyone's hurting.

The man I've met is wonderful. I've known him for 3 years since he was at my sisters wedding but never really saw much of him until recently, I couldn't believe my eyes. My heart was pounding so hard! He was drop dead gorgeous. We hit it off straight away. He's fabulous.

But I'm scared. It's all fantastic and he treats me like a princess but I'm not used to it. I'm used to being hurt and abused. I can't get my head around the fact that he thinks I'm great and wants to be with me. Tells my everything that I've ever wanted but I'm holding back because I've got it into my head that it's all going to go wrong but I honestly don't think it will - it all feels so right. Only been together 6 weeks but spend all our time together and it all feels so perfect - too perfect.

I need to break away from my habits of thinking it will all go bad - I need to change the way I am. Let my walls down.

I've started seeing a councillor to help me and I've been diagnosed with a eating disorder but I'm getting help and picking myself back up. I wish I could turn back time and left the abusive relationship but I didn't so I cant keep looking back and hurting. It's time to be positive and enjoy what's happening for me. Steff makes me smile and I feel great with him. But I think I might hurt him one day with me being so closed. I don't want that to happen.

This is my Prince Charming.

I feel as if i've had my death warrant signed today,

Went to the solicitors to see about getting an injunction against my ex, well the 1st solicitor took all my story then looked on her computer and was gutted to find out that they had already worked with my ex in the past for other things he's done and the 2nd man wanted to take my case on but i nearly died when he told me how much the injunction would cost, £700. I cant afford anything like that. I cant believe that the law wants to protect us but we can't afford it. I can't get Legal Aid as my pathetic little wage is about a £1 over the limit.

I now have no protection from him and I know that as soon as his case is heard and he isn't on bail anymore he'll come straight back here. This time it wont be my car he smashes up, the police know it too.

By the time i dial 999 again and they arrive i'd be dead or seriously hurt.

Isn't the law crap. We have no protection from people like him unless we get a loan to get the injunction but I cant so what can I do.

I was a mess at work today. I feel like i'm in a bad dream.

He's made me miserable for the past 2 years and now he just wont let me go. Kept telling that he will never see me with anyone else and that i'm his and always will be. Said he will follow me and find me where ever i go. He means it as well. I'll never be able to move on and be happy. No bloke would touch me knowing that i have a psycho ex who the law wont protect me from.

He's still controlling me.

They are saying that they might not be able to take him to court.

Ok, he gets away with everything that he has done to me.

He's admitted damaging my car, he'll admit that and get a court fine. What about the money i had to pay because he gets carried away with his anger?

What about all the mental and physical torture he put me through for 2 years, all the pain he caused me and my family. He took my freedom and he took my personality and soul away from me. I'm a shadow of the person i used to be, I've lost 3 stone and look like a ghost.
Who's going to be there for me to help me pick my life back up while he's back on the streets looking for me and making some other poor woman a mess? He's a danger to me and everyone other woman out there.

Who is going to tell my family who love me so much that he's killed me, that's what he will do and everyone knows it. He's strangled me before and got away with it, slapped me about and smashed my house up. He's had me cowering in the corner of the room and made me sleep on the floor in my own home at night. He keeps saying that he cant have me no one can and he means it. He cant keep getting away with this.

He sends a chill down my spine every time i see him, he's laughing at me because he knows that he's untouchable.

It took me so much courage to go to the police the first time and now it's as if it was all a waste of time. All the tears and all the sleep less nights out of fear are never going to be stopped and i will always be looking over my shoulder to see if he's behind me, watching me like now. He's everywhere i go and that makes me feel sick to the core.

I'll never be able to go out and start dating a man, i'd fear to much for them like what he's said to the man from work who i'd sent a text to as a friend.

I know that he will come back for me soon and i feel so sorry for my family. I'm not safe anymore. The panic alarm wont get the police to me quick enough one day.

He will win.

I haven't been on here for a while, things have been getting out of hand in my life.

Since I last wrote on here my ex JE has been causing me so much grief and heartache with his constant abuse and harassment. He hasn't left me alone for a single moment, day and night.

Today was the final straw. He came around my house at 8.30am and we'd been speaking for a while and i'd asked him to leave as i didnt feel comfortable with him being in my house. He was leaving then he demanded to see my mobile phone, when i refused he went crazy. Why should I let him look at my mobile? I had nothing to hide but he had no right to be even asking me that. Anyway i refused and he went off in his car at full speed.

Next i got a phone call from him calling me a liar and saying i was cheating on him - hang on a sec, he's not my boyfriend and im not seeing anyone so how am i cheating?! He was going crazy. He had gone into work and looked at my mobile phone account ( we work for a network provider ), looked at my last section of calls and proceeded to call some of the numbers, one which happened to be a male friends number. He was going crazy. I called work in a panic and told them that he was in the building and that he was currently looking through my calls and ringing the numbers. They caught him red handed in it which is gross misconduct.

He then left work and came back to my house in a rage. I had been recording the calls he had made to me and they were sickening.

After standing at my door for a long time trying my hardest to calm him down and get rid of him he picked up a concrete plant pot from the porch and smashed it through my car window causing so much damage. I was scared for my life again. I tried to hit me with it first but changed his mind and smashed my car up instead. I called 999 and he drove away. I couldn't breathe i was so scared.

The police came and spent all day taking my statements, he was arrested and put in the cells.

He has been released on bail tonight and cannot come near me. Im scared for my life. We work together and i will have to see him at work until they sort the gross misconduct issue out and let him go if they even do that.

He's humiliated me, lied about me, abused me, used me, made me so scared that i hate being on my own and made me not want to get out of bed on a morning.

Then he has the nerve to say i'm the one doing the harassment.

I just want my nightmare to end and for him to leave me alone so i can be free to move on with my life without looking over my shoulder in fear.

My head hurts and I'm exhausted.

I did a bad thing last night - I did a drink and dial. Im so angry with myself.

My motto used to be never drink and dial - well i just have, couldnt help myself.... I poured my heart out to a voicemail service. I poured my heart out. Tears, sobbing, fighting for breath because of the tears choking me up. My heart was breaking to a machine. I have no idea if that person listened to the message, it lasted a while and I hope to god that he got fed up and deleted it before the end. I'm so ashamed of myself because I know it wont solve anything or change anything, he's seeing someone and he's happy so why cant I be? I woke up with a headache and more regrets. I even told him that he is the reason I shave my legs on a daily basis - Just incase he popped around to my house! Stupid stupid me. Im cringing.

Im sure that that person now thinks that iam a nutter which i think that i am - i still have no idea where i got his phone number from as it was deleted from my phone and i dont remember it!!

Why is it such a good idea when we are drunk to give someone you love but they dont love you a call, why when if we weren't drunk we know that it is such a bad idea and keep the feelings inside but let it all hang out when we have been drinking!

Im so ashamed!

xx