tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2009-11-08:/Is he out there? its best to read from the start. MokoFeed2009-11-08T07:56:21+01:00tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-08-06:/2005/08/06/my_prince_charming/sleepyhead2005-08-06T20:49:56+02:002005-08-06T22:21:57+02:00 <p>I've met someone and it scares me. </p> <p>My ex smashed my car up recently and we are waiting to go to Crown Court over everything so life's a mess at the minute my twin sister has also just lost her baby so everyone's hurting. </p> <p>The man I've met is wonderful. I've known him for 3 years since he was at my sisters wedding but never really saw much of him until recently, I couldn't believe my eyes. My heart was pounding so hard! He was drop dead gorgeous. We hit it off straight away. He's fabulous. </p> <p>But I'm scared. It's all fantastic and he treats me like a princess but I'm not used to it. I'm used to being hurt and abused. I can't get my head around the fact that he thinks I'm great and wants to be with me. Tells my everything that I've ever wanted but I'm holding back because I've got it into my head that it's all going to go wrong but I honestly don't think it will - it all feels so right. Only been together 6 weeks but spend all our time together and it all feels so perfect - too perfect. </p> <p>I need to break away from my habits of thinking it will all go bad - I need to change the way I am. Let my walls down. </p> <p>I've started seeing a councillor to help me and I've been diagnosed with a eating disorder but I'm getting help and picking myself back up. I wish I could turn back time and left the abusive relationship but I didn't so I cant keep looking back and hurting. It's time to be positive and enjoy what's happening for me. Steff makes me smile and I feel great with him. But I think I might hurt him one day with me being so closed. I don't want that to happen. </p> <p>This is my Prince Charming. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/08/06/my_prince_charming/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-07-11:/2005/07/11/11_july_2005/sleepyhead2005-07-11T21:07:38+02:002005-07-11T23:06:48+02:00 <p>I feel as if i've had my death warrant signed today, </p> <p>Went to the solicitors to see about getting an injunction against my ex, well the 1st solicitor took all my story then looked on her computer and was gutted to find out that they had already worked with my ex in the past for other things he's done and the 2nd man wanted to take my case on but i nearly died when he told me how much the injunction would cost, £700. I cant afford anything like that. I cant believe that the law wants to protect us but we can't afford it. I can't get Legal Aid as my pathetic little wage is about a £1 over the limit. </p> <p>I now have no protection from him and I know that as soon as his case is heard and he isn't on bail anymore he'll come straight back here. This time it wont be my car he smashes up, the police know it too. </p> <p>By the time i dial 999 again and they arrive i'd be dead or seriously hurt. </p> <p>Isn't the law crap. We have no protection from people like him unless we get a loan to get the injunction but I cant so what can I do. </p> <p>I was a mess at work today. I feel like i'm in a bad dream.</p> <p>He's made me miserable for the past 2 years and now he just wont let me go. Kept telling that he will never see me with anyone else and that i'm his and always will be. Said he will follow me and find me where ever i go. He means it as well. I'll never be able to move on and be happy. No bloke would touch me knowing that i have a psycho ex who the law wont protect me from. </p> <p>He's still controlling me. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/07/11/11_july_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-07-10:/2005/07/11/10_july_2006/sleepyhead2005-07-11T00:10:08+02:002005-07-11T00:10:08+02:00 <p>They are saying that they might not be able to take him to court. </p> <p>Ok, he gets away with everything that he has done to me. </p> <p>He's admitted damaging my car, he'll admit that and get a court fine. What about the money i had to pay because he gets carried away with his anger? </p> <p>What about all the mental and physical torture he put me through for 2 years, all the pain he caused me and my family. He took my freedom and he took my personality and soul away from me. I'm a shadow of the person i used to be, I've lost 3 stone and look like a ghost.<br> Who's going to be there for me to help me pick my life back up while he's back on the streets looking for me and making some other poor woman a mess? He's a danger to me and everyone other woman out there. </p> <p>Who is going to tell my family who love me so much that he's killed me, that's what he will do and everyone knows it. He's strangled me before and got away with it, slapped me about and smashed my house up. He's had me cowering in the corner of the room and made me sleep on the floor in my own home at night. He keeps saying that he cant have me no one can and he means it. He cant keep getting away with this. </p> <p>He sends a chill down my spine every time i see him, he's laughing at me because he knows that he's untouchable. </p> <p>It took me so much courage to go to the police the first time and now it's as if it was all a waste of time. All the tears and all the sleep less nights out of fear are never going to be stopped and i will always be looking over my shoulder to see if he's behind me, watching me like now. He's everywhere i go and that makes me feel sick to the core. </p> <p>I'll never be able to go out and start dating a man, i'd fear to much for them like what he's said to the man from work who i'd sent a text to as a friend. </p> <p>I know that he will come back for me soon and i feel so sorry for my family. I'm not safe anymore. The panic alarm wont get the police to me quick enough one day. </p> <p> He will win. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/07/11/10_july_2006/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-07-10:/2005/07/10/10_july_2005/sleepyhead2005-07-10T23:47:36+02:002005-07-10T23:47:36+02:00 <p>I haven't been on here for a while, things have been getting out of hand in my life. </p> <p>Since I last wrote on here my ex JE has been causing me so much grief and heartache with his constant abuse and harassment. He hasn't left me alone for a single moment, day and night. </p> <p>Today was the final straw. He came around my house at 8.30am and we'd been speaking for a while and i'd asked him to leave as i didnt feel comfortable with him being in my house. He was leaving then he demanded to see my mobile phone, when i refused he went crazy. Why should I let him look at my mobile? I had nothing to hide but he had no right to be even asking me that. Anyway i refused and he went off in his car at full speed. </p> <p>Next i got a phone call from him calling me a liar and saying i was cheating on him - hang on a sec, he's not my boyfriend and im not seeing anyone so how am i cheating?! He was going crazy. He had gone into work and looked at my mobile phone account ( we work for a network provider ), looked at my last section of calls and proceeded to call some of the numbers, one which happened to be a male friends number. He was going crazy. I called work in a panic and told them that he was in the building and that he was currently looking through my calls and ringing the numbers. They caught him red handed in it which is gross misconduct. </p> <p>He then left work and came back to my house in a rage. I had been recording the calls he had made to me and they were sickening. </p> <p>After standing at my door for a long time trying my hardest to calm him down and get rid of him he picked up a concrete plant pot from the porch and smashed it through my car window causing so much damage. I was scared for my life again. I tried to hit me with it first but changed his mind and smashed my car up instead. I called 999 and he drove away. I couldn't breathe i was so scared. </p> <p>The police came and spent all day taking my statements, he was arrested and put in the cells. </p> <p>He has been released on bail tonight and cannot come near me. Im scared for my life. We work together and i will have to see him at work until they sort the gross misconduct issue out and let him go if they even do that. </p> <p>He's humiliated me, lied about me, abused me, used me, made me so scared that i hate being on my own and made me not want to get out of bed on a morning. </p> <p>Then he has the nerve to say i'm the one doing the harassment. </p> <p>I just want my nightmare to end and for him to leave me alone so i can be free to move on with my life without looking over my shoulder in fear. </p> <p>My head hurts and I'm exhausted. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/07/10/10_july_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-25:/2005/06/25/25_june_2005/sleepyhead2005-06-25T17:08:21+02:002005-06-26T16:09:36+02:00 <p>I did a bad thing last night - I did a drink and dial. Im so angry with myself. </p> <p>My motto used to be never drink and dial - well i just have, couldnt help myself.... I poured my heart out to a voicemail service. I poured my heart out. Tears, sobbing, fighting for breath because of the tears choking me up. My heart was breaking to a machine. I have no idea if that person listened to the message, it lasted a while and I hope to god that he got fed up and deleted it before the end. I'm so ashamed of myself because I know it wont solve anything or change anything, he's seeing someone and he's happy so why cant I be? I woke up with a headache and more regrets. I even told him that he is the reason I shave my legs on a daily basis - Just incase he popped around to my house! Stupid stupid me. Im cringing. </p> <p>Im sure that that person now thinks that iam a nutter which i think that i am - i still have no idea where i got his phone number from as it was deleted from my phone and i dont remember it!!</p> <p>Why is it such a good idea when we are drunk to give someone you love but they dont love you a call, why when if we weren't drunk we know that it is such a bad idea and keep the feelings inside but let it all hang out when we have been drinking! </p> <p>Im so ashamed! </p> <p>xx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/25/25_june_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-22:/2005/06/22/22_june_2006/sleepyhead2005-06-22T14:54:04+02:002005-06-22T14:54:04+02:00 <p>I had a big argument with JR last night, I actually feel a little bit better today after getting a few of these feelings off my chest. The bottom line is that he now wants nothing to do with me and never will, this is something I already know and I know deep inside of me that I feel the same. I just have problems with walking away from people that I like. Said that I hurt him with the lies that I told but I honestly didn't tell any but he wont believe me, he is insisting that he his ex wouldn't lie to him so I cant get through to him that she is as he spent his life with her and I was just something to play with. He will never believe me. </p> <p>I'm going to have a hard time getting over all of this and trusting men again. I've had trust issues with men all of my life but this feels like a massive blow. He knew about my past as we were good friends first and it took me a longtime to let my guard down and he abused that and took advantage of me. </p> <p>I'm sick to death of going on about it now but it seems to be taking over my life and I'm hating it. I wish I could close my eyes and open them and everything be gone. </p> <p>Not much else going on in my life at the moment, quite dull actually. </p> <p>Need some excitement! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/22/22_june_2006/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-21:/2005/06/21/22_june_2005/sleepyhead2005-06-21T18:45:55+02:002005-06-21T18:45:55+02:00 <p>JE has been telling people that he slept with my sister at xmas, I don't believe him at all but this has really upset more than anything he has ever said to me. He's poisonous. </p> <p>Both JE and JR have started seeing new people, looks like the good person is left behind again. JE's is all about sex which he admits but JR is keeping quiet about who he's seeing, due to the fact that I think I will know the person. I honestly dont actucally want to know as i will be the one that will get hurt by finding it out. Im still finding it really hard getting over the last couple of months, i havent had the best of times as everyone knows. I really did fall for JR and I will never forgive myself for it and causing myself all of the upset and hurt. This is something that I will never forget and I will never get involved with anyone who I work with ever again. </p> <p>Things have calmed down at work but people are still trying to cause trouble, hopefully it wont go anywhere. I just want everyone to leave me alone to get back to my quiet little life. </p> <p>Everytime I get my heart broken i always think that it wont hurt as much but i'm always wrong. </p> <p>I remember the 1st time I had it broken, i was 17. I was had been seeing Alan for about 4 months, we had a good little relationship until i went to stop with my man in Dubai, got a phone call from a friend saying they she had seen him kissing my freind in a club. I was heart broken. I did love him and i had let him ruin the very little time i had with my parents and i'll never forget that. When I look back now i was in pain but it didnt last long - i moved on to someone else. Over the years that followed I kind of turned to stone, I wasnt very nice to some of the men I was seeing so I think this is my payback, my Karma. </p> <p>I do believe in fate and destiny so my life will go the way it is suppose to one day, I'll find my path to follow in the end. Everything will be ok for me. I know it will be. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/21/22_june_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-17:/2005/06/17/title_7535/sleepyhead2005-06-17T21:01:00+02:002005-06-17T21:01:56+02:00 <p>meeting someone incredible but not being able to develop anything with them is almost as hard as losing someone just as incredible. timing is everything. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/17/title_7535/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-17:/2005/06/17/17_june_2005/sleepyhead2005-06-17T15:48:18+02:002005-06-17T17:21:55+02:00 <p>My mam came over here last night, home for a few months then back to Dubai. Very happy to see her. Felt like such a relief. This is the time when I finally will be able to move on from the hurt instead of sitting in the house lonely and thinking about everything that has happened. I've finally for company and wont feel so alone. I know everyone thinks their mother is the best but mine really is to be, she would move the earth for me and my sisters and we would all do it for her if it was needed. </p> <p>I haven't really seen much of my dad over the years, he has always worked away. I cant say I'm very close to him as we are so similar that we just clash. I'm the middle child and always felt like I wasn't the oldest or the youngest so I couldn't play on it like the other 2 did! I have a twin sister and I'm older than her so that's something I suppose! I must say my twin sister is my best friend. I cant tell you how much I love her. We were close from the day we were born and even shared a bed when we were younger. I used to do all of the talking, the poor girl wasn't allowed to speak! I feel bad about that now. But hey, that's what big sisters are for! </p> <p>My ex JE has actually left where we live, he has gone down south and is not coming back. That's actually a good thing. JR is dating someone at work, the women that JE cheated on me with actually. I'm starting to think that she likes my sloppy seconds. I hope I can get over him soon, this news has really upset me. </p> <p>x</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/17/17_june_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-15:/2005/06/15/15_june_2005/sleepyhead2005-06-15T21:02:37+02:002005-06-15T21:02:37+02:00 <p>Nightmare, My ex is back at work JE. Caught him staring at me. disturbed me a little. Even though i spent a big part of my life with him I just don't want to see him at work anymore. It doesn't hurt me as i ended the relationship he just scares me and I've worked there alot longer and enjoy it, im not leaving. I just wish i could turn back time and i cant so why do i better saying it. </p> <p>I'm going to try and turn over a new leaf. Summer is coming (hope we get some in England)! and summer is the time to start new and feel good about yourself. The sunshine always makes me feel better and i'll have my mams shoulder to cry on when she comes here tomorrow! Staying away from men, i just always get hurt but then i think to myself a man that truly wanted to be with me wouldn't hurt me, he would make sure that he protected me and looked after me, a man who wants to be with someone would move the earth for them. The men that have hurt me have been given to me for a reason, i think in my heart its to make me stronger and appreciate the One when he comes my way, to see who he is and love him more. </p> <p>That's what i think and that's what makes the hurt i feel like a test to make me stronger. </p> <p>Maybe I'm just crazy. x </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/15/15_june_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-14:/2005/06/14/14_june_2006/sleepyhead2005-06-14T21:00:16+02:002005-06-14T21:00:16+02:00 <p>Had a long day today. </p> <p>I finally got my apology from JR which makes me feel a little bit better but I had to drag it out of him. I emailed him and he sent a not so nice reply but said he does feel bad about everything that he has put me through, anyway i replied saying all i needed was for him to say sorry and he did - said that he never meant to hurt me, made me feel abit better but not great. I still feel so hurt and upset that someone who was suppose to have feelings for you could do this - i cant get my head around that. </p> <p>I really want to stay friends with him which is pathetic even though i have been hurt so much i still know that he has a good heart somewhere inside of him. I have really bad taste in men but like everyone keeps saying you cant just switch your feelings off. I wish I could then maybe i wouldnt be sitting here feeling the way i do. Ive had a bad last few months and i just want to be able to move on. Somethings holding me back. Thats why i started writing in here, to clear my head as i could never go to speak to anyone as i cant talk to people face to face, nothing comes out, cant do it. </p> <p>I just want to stop hurting inside. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/14/14_june_2006/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-13:/2005/06/13/12_june_2005/sleepyhead2005-06-13T15:11:18+02:002005-06-13T15:11:18+02:00 <p>How can I stop myself from texting JR? I need to. I need to move on and forget about him and everything that he has done to me in last few weeks. I need to enjoy what we had and just move on. Why isnt it that simple. Why can't I just move on. </p> <p>Not been been up to anything today, just feel like crying. </p> <p>I need to get rid of my mobile phone and give myself a slap. </p> <p>xx</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/13/12_june_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-11:/2005/06/12/11_june_2007/sleepyhead2005-06-12T00:05:54+02:002005-06-12T00:05:54+02:00 <p>Not done anything today, very boring day. </p> <p>My Narcolepsy has got the better of me lately, medications don't seem to be making any difference at the moment. </p> <p>Didn't get to sleep until 5am, didn't go out last night. Just couldn't get to sleep. By the time I did it was daylight outside and the milkmen were out and about. Heard everyone coming home from their nights out, listened to them laughing and giggling with each other trying to find the key to their doors. Even though I couldn't sleep this didn't bother me like it normally would, i'd normally get frustrated but I was very relaxed for some reason. Kept thinking about everything that's going on over and over again. I don't have any curtains so i was sleeping in daylight, very weird feeling when trying to sleep. Need curtains. Woke up at 11am today and felt terrible. Kept awake all day with medication so i'm exhausted now. </p> <p>Still haven't heard from JR, I have txt him but no reply. I need to learn how to stop myself from doing this but cant break free even though he's gone with no explanation and feel like im stuck in some kind of limbo. I cant snap out of it. All I need is for him to tell me why this has happened and i could move on but I cant unless he does. I'm sick of cowards. When will I meet the man that has the respect and affection to treat me how i deserve? </p> <p>I've had enough of the frogs, i want my prince. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/12/11_june_2007/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-10:/2005/06/11/10_june_2005/sleepyhead2005-06-11T00:25:55+02:002005-06-11T01:14:36+02:00 <p>I'm really missing JR if I'm honest with myself. I really should hate the ground he walks on but for some reason I don't. I wish I could hate him then I wouldn't be missing him right now. Before all of the trouble started we were having such a good time together. He's the first man that's made me feel pretty and good about myself, i was walking on clouds. All my friends think that he was just telling me what I wanted to hear - I know that they are right, he was. I know that he has a good heart inside of him but I really don't know why he would do this too me. He's really hurt me so why am I missing him? Why would he cause all of this trouble for me at work and stand back and watch his lies hurt me like this? It's really hard seeing him at work, if I'm honest I go from feeling like punching his head in too totally missing him. I just wish I could turn back time. I've lost a good friend and a bloody good boyfriend (not quite!). I need my head seeing too. When I see him I get a lump in my throat and a aching feeling inside me that hurts so much. </p> <p>I've decided to stay away from blokes for a while, nothing good will come my way while I'm looking for it. The best things happen when your not looking. </p> <p>I'm still at work at 10pm, how depressing. </p> <p>This little boy is my life.<br> <a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/k/kcooke/img/115-1508_IMG.JPG" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/k/kcooke/img/115-1508_IMG_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/11/10_june_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-08:/2005/06/08/title_6108/sleepyhead2005-06-08T23:58:50+02:002005-06-08T23:58:50+02:00 <p>I need a hug. :-)</p> <p>Had another slow day again today. Had to go to a meeting about the complaint I made, it seems never ending. After all of this I still will be known as the office slag even though i didnt do anything and i dont sleep around. I really fell for JR and should have known better. The coward is so scared of his ex that he's just sat back and let me take the fall for everything. Well i'm not putting up with that. Maybe one day he'll think about what he did and he'll get told to talk to the hand. hehe. </p> <p>I'm feeling a little bit more positive about my future today. Who knows what destiny has in store for me. Hopfully something wonderful no matter what it is! Im also looking forward to seeing mam, she's a wonderful woman and i miss her like mad. Its been very hard growing up without her being here when i've needed her so much just to hug me. Everyone needs a hug ( Im a hugger so if you need one give me a shout!). </p> <p>You know what, im getting sick of the word sorry. I seem to be sayign it alot to people lately when it hasnt been my fault. Should be them saying it to me. Not going to be saying it anymore unless i seriously mean it. </p> <p>karen xx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/08/title_6108/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-07:/2005/06/08/title_7010/sleepyhead2005-06-08T00:23:41+02:002005-06-14T20:46:28+02:00 <p>Do you know what I really want, I want to be 16 again. I was so care free. </p> <p>I had the best time of my life after I left school. </p> <p>School was never a good place for me. Coming from an American school into a British (rough) Senior school was very hard. People used to laugh at us for the way we spoke and I was bullied up until I was 15. To be bullied from 11 to 15 yrs old is alot for someone to take, but I did take it. The people were just so horrible. Going to college was just the best for me. I passed all of my GCSE's with great grades and went on to do A-Levels. I met some fantastic people. I was out every night with my new friends and we were boy magnets (not bragging). It was such a laugh. Its a massive shame that since then we don't see each other as some have been married (22 is far to young!) or moved away. </p> <p>It was such a care free time in my life but as you get older that all changes and you have to be more sensible and that changed me to much. I don't have the fun and excitment of meeting new people in my life anymore,I dont have the laughter coming out of me like it used to back then. We used to laugh until our chests hurt and tears were rolling down our faces. We were all popular and I loved it. If only I could turn back time. </p> <p>Things changed over time and certain events that happend along the way ruined me and scarred me for life. Events that if I could turn back time I would never have let happen but I cant turn it back so I'll have to live with my mistakes inside me forever. Its wrong when your told time is a healer - its not you just push it to the back of your head but your never healed. </p> <p>If I could go back I would never have started talking to the Sailor in the pub from down South that deserted me when I needed him more than ever, I would never have dropped out of College to cut hair, I would never have let my Mam move away from me because I needed her with me so badly and still do, I would have told my Grandad how much I loved him when he was dying but I didnt I just sat holding his hand, I would have said sorry to my Grandma for making her pull her hair out when we used to tease her before she died,I wouldnt have put up with being bullied, I would have told B that I loved him more than anything and that he was my soul mate but he's gone now too due to me, i wish he knew how sorry I am for that. And many more things. I hope everyone in my life now knows how much I love them and regret the past. Im sure we all regret the past. But we can't change it so these I Would's mean nothing. We all just have to make sure they don't happen again.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/08/title_7010/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-07:/2005/06/07/7_june_2005/sleepyhead2005-06-07T23:46:48+02:002005-06-08T12:09:39+02:00 <p>Feeling a little bit better today. A little bit happier. Looking forward to my mam coming to England next week, haven't seen her since Christmas so will enjoy her company. </p> <p>My ex has completely changed his tune - isn't being nasty to me after he's been suspended from our work. I think he's up to something. He thinks that i made the complaint about him which in a way i did as when complaining about JRs ex giving me abuse i mentioned what JE had been doing but never officially made a complaint, someone else must have! so....he's being nice to me thinking it was me and i think he's hoping I'll drop the complaint. He'll be hoping a long-time. Still holding my complaint about her up though - nobody should be bullied at work. We're not 12 anymore. JR still wont talk to me which is breaking my heart as i really liked him but after he's let me take all of the backlash from the situation i could slap him right now. All it would take would be for him to say im sorry to me and i'd forgive him but he's a coward and wont do that. He knows how much his lies are hurting me but still wont. He's to scared of his ex so i'm taking all of the abuse. nevermind - what goes around comes around. He'll regret it one day when he realises what he's done to me. He was only saying last week how amazing i am - smooth talker to get what he wants. What a joke. </p> <p>Why is it so hard for people to say sorry these days? especially when you know how much someone is hurting by the way you've acted? I'll never understand. </p> <p>Once again i dragged myself to work today. I've not had a day off sick for 1 year and don't intend on starting now that all this has happened. I'm very proud of myself for no sick days. My motto is 'Unless your dying you can go to work'. </p> <p>How do you stop yourself for falling for someone too quickly and getting hurt? I'd love to know that one. I'm a serial faller. </p> <p>Take care, x</p> <p>This is my nephew Thomas now. Isn't he so pretty. other one is the first photo of him on the second he was born. </p> <p><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/k/kcooke/img/27-april-05.jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/k/kcooke/img/27-april-05_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/k/kcooke/img/Thomas30.jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/k/kcooke/img/Thomas30_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/07/7_june_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-06:/2005/06/06/6_june_2005/sleepyhead2005-06-06T16:10:47+02:002005-06-06T16:10:47+02:00 <p>I know that everyone reading this will be thinking that I'm obsessed with trying to find love. I'm not. Men just seem to be taking over my life at the moment so that's all that I have to talk about. Love is high on my priority list, I'll be honest but that's mainly due to not wanting to be alone. I cant be alone. I have been for a longtime and its not nice. My cousin said to last night that he thinks I'm one of those people that are meant to be alone - err hang on a second, I'm only 22 and no ones meant to be alone! Stab me while I'm down. You'll have to read my diary from the start to understand me. </p> <p>JE has been suspended from work along with JR's ex - finally someone has taken notice when I've finally made a complaint. My life has been turned into a soap opera at work - a circus. Its a horrible feeling knowing that you are being talked about - that people are getting enjoyment out of your hurt. I don't know what is going to happen next. I think they will be back at work soon but hopefully they will just leave me alone to do the job that I actually love doing. </p> <p>At the moment I'm having to force myself out of bed in the morning, feeling like crying and force myself to get dressed and go to work. I don't want it to be like that anymore. </p> <p>On a more cheery note - my hair looks good today! haha. x </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/06/6_june_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-05:/2005/06/05/5_june_2005/sleepyhead2005-06-05T17:51:20+02:002005-06-05T17:54:50+02:00 <p>I know I do put alot of pressure on myself to be happy and to find someone, hate being on my own now. I have been alone for a longtime, even in my long term (abuse) relationship I still felt very alone. </p> <p>Have you ever been out somewhere and thought to yourself ' I just cant go home to be alone again'? So you just keep driving. I live on my own, against my wishes - I'm a people person, love being with people. I talk so much because when I come home its just me. I live in a big house which is cold and lonely - this has a big impact on my mood. Makes me feel the same. I hate the feeling when I walk through the door on a night and feel sick because I wont see or speak to anyone again until the next day. Very lonely. </p> <p>Cooking for one? no fun. So dont cook at all. </p> <p>I need something exciting to happen in my life. I've been thinking about travelling for a long time now. May be USA or Australia. Need to find people to come with me. Couldnt go alone. The thing is i'd be coming home to the same problems - you leave them behind but they will still be waiting for you when you come home. I have a friend who went travelling to get over her ex, came home 4 months later and he was the first person she bumped into. They started seeing each other again after she claimed she was over there messy and heart breaking breakup. Now they live together, so you never can leave anything. </p> <p>Need to cheer up. </p> <p>Get under someone to get over someone i say! ( Only kidding). </p> <p>xx</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/05/5_june_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-04:/2005/06/04/4_june_2005/sleepyhead2005-06-04T22:27:32+02:002005-06-08T00:58:37+02:00 <p>I know that i'm looking for something that doesn't exist, fairy tales don't exist. You just never hear about the ones where the girl chased the man, cried herself to sleep every night hoping that he could love her one day, phoning him, going out of her way to try and make him happy and 10 years later they are blissfully in love with 4 kids and a pony. You don't hear them like that. I know that I will never be swept off my feet. I know that if I chase a man he will run from me as fast as he can. I know that. </p> <p>I just want a man to treat me with respect and not like a doormat, who wants to be that doormat all of there lives? I'll admit, i've had it hard but hasn't everybody in someway? The doormats are the ones that end up miserable when they finally see that they are unhappy after years of being with someone and never feeling good enough, never truly happy. I don't want to feel like that. </p> <p>My life's hard at the minute. I have no family here and my friends have there own issues. </p> <p>I hope people don't laugh when i'm venting my feelings on here. xx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/04/4_june_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-03:/2005/06/03/3_june_2005/sleepyhead2005-06-03T19:20:02+02:002005-06-03T19:20:02+02:00 <p>It gets worse.</p> <p>Been into work today, had to drag myself out of bed this morning with tears streaming down my face. Felt like the hardest thing I have ever had to do. </p> <p>Everyone is talking about me and what's been going on. </p> <p>Found out today that my ex JE had been cheating on me with someone I work with for a long time before we broke up - even though I don't love him I'm really upset by this. I had no idea. Anyway I've been having serious problems with him and my new bit (now gone) JR, well the woman that my ex was cheating on me with is actually the one that's been causing the trouble, not JR's ex like we all thought - even though she's done her fair share. Donna has been doing it! She's been seeing my ex JE and also JR then getting info on what's going on from JR and telling JE - its getting complicated. </p> <p>I'm getting stared at and pointed at while people are talking to each other about it - I hate gossips. I hate it. All I did was have some fun with a single bloke when I was single and now everyone is talking about it and laughing. This has caused me so much trouble and so so so much heartbreak. </p> <p>I've totally lost the will to love and I've decided to give up on it completely. It doesn't exist and I think I'm better off being alone than crying myself to sleep every night. I want the tears to end and the smiling to begin. </p> <p>My life is so dramatic. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/03/3_june_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-02:/2005/06/02/2_june_2005/sleepyhead2005-06-02T17:09:08+02:002005-06-02T17:09:08+02:00 <p>Walked out of the house with my big pink slippers on today, dashed back in before anyone noticed ( I hope). </p> <p>Heads all over the place today. After the trip to the police station things just seem to be getting worse for me. JR wont speak to me anymore and JE who I went to the police about has just taken no notice of what they said to him. The blokes 27 years old, needs to grow up! JR is blaming me for everything.....its actually his ex who's caused all of the trouble from day one but I suppose it's easier to blame me than her. I think he's still in love with the bunny boiler. </p> <p>How and why do I get myself into these kind of messes? I'm just a simple blonde woman looking for some kind of happiness. All I did was go out with JR after me and JE had broke up and holy war kicks off. It was only some fun, I needed it after the time I'd spent with JE. </p> <p>I just need the powers that be to give me a flippen break here before I have a mental breakdown! </p> <p>I'm such a moan. Why is life such a drama. Is it too much to ask for a nice bloke to come along, fall in love without crying myself to sleep every night and have babies!?! Is this too much to ask?! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/02/2_june_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-02:/2005/06/02/title_5586/sleepyhead2005-06-02T14:35:30+02:002005-06-05T17:19:07+02:00 <p>I got this on an email today and thought how great it is and want to share it with you. </p> <p>15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About </p> <p>1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for<br> you.<br> 2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.<br> 3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.<br> 4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.<br> 5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.<br> 6. You mean the world to someone.<br> 7. If not for you, someone may not be living.<br> 8. You are special and unique.<br> 9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.<br> 10.When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.<br> 11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on<br> the world.<br> 12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you<br> >> probably won't get it, but if you<br> >> believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.<br> 13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude<br> remarks.<br> 14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.<br> 15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great. </p> <p>They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.<br> Take the time... to live and love. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/02/title_5586/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-01:/2005/06/01/drama_drama_drama/sleepyhead2005-06-01T22:16:07+02:002005-06-01T22:16:07+02:00 <p>I've just left the police station. Not the best place in the world to spend your day off work. Drama Drama Drama. </p> <p>I'm getting harrassed by my ex (JE), the one that tried to kill me. Getting more threats to kill me and the bloke (JR) i've been seeing so couldnt take anymore and went to the police. He's taken it into work along with the other blokes ex which as far as im concerned is just plain wrong. I really should have done this a longtime ago, they filled me in on his past. Jesus i was in danger. Enough said. </p> <p>I'm feeling very down in the dumps now. My ex is going to haunt me forever and i'll never be able to move on and find my Prince Charming. He wont let me. I'm so shit at picking men, always get the ones that do this to me. Either try to kill me or show me up! My love lifes so shitty!</p> <p>Is everyone elses life one big heart breaking drama like mine?</p> <p>JR's ex is making me so miserable too. I need to walk away from everything. Im breaking my own heart here. </p> <p>Somebody pass me the vodka please. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/01/drama_drama_drama/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-01:/2005/06/01/why_4/sleepyhead2005-06-01T14:44:22+02:002005-06-05T17:20:12+02:00 <p>Why am i sat at home on my day off work on the computer listening to damian rice on the internet. Why, because its got to be better than painting my bedroom! </p> <p>I bought a book yesterday which has really opened my eyes and its a book every woman should have. Its called ' He's just not that into you' by Greg Behrent and Liz Tuccillo. Best thing i have ever bought, better than the cute pink ugh boots. </p> <p>It has really made me see that I should not be making excuses for all the areholes that have not turned up to dates or not called me, only slept with me....he's just not that into me. Christ, i was crying reading it but i feel so much better. Why waste my time with someone who only wants to be friends but have sex with me, i dont want friends that make me cry myself to sleep at night, nobody needs that pain. I want to have friends have make me feel special. </p> <p>Theses a note in it from your future saying its waiting for you to move on from the jerk who's treated me badly and that he's waiting for me. made me feel good. </p> <p>Please buy this book ladies, its the best!! You'll thank me for telling you about it one day, i promise. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/01/why_4/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-06-01:/2005/06/01/1st_june_2005/sleepyhead2005-06-01T14:22:51+02:002005-06-01T14:22:51+02:00 <p>What a weird day. Been off work for a few days. I dont like being on my own in this big house. </p> <p>Something bizzare happend on Monday while I was at work. The bloke i had been seeing ( who's treated me like dirt) was on his break and i'm sitting at my desk. His ex comes charging up to his desk looking for him and shouting her mouth off about me. I'd moved seats that day so i was out of her view and thank god! She started shouting about how she knew he'd been with me on this night, i'm getting lower and lower in my seat to hide because if she'd had come over to me i would have smacked her i think! Anyway.... he goes back to his desk and holy hell breaks lose! She was shouting and screaming about me and him then the silly girl picks up a turret ( what we plug out headsets into which are pretty big!) and throws it at him! Then she walks out of the building. It wasnt even her day in work!! She just came in to shout at him then leave. The girls in some serious trouble now and I cant say I feel sorry for her because that would be a lie. She's harrassed me for a while now and I want to see the back of her. I'm not being a bitch but she's brought something private into work and everyones talking about it now and i feel terrible. She's his ex and he's letting her control him, i dont understand men.... get some balls! He just took it from her! </p> <p>Weird. I will never start seeing someone from work ever again! Too complicated. </p> <p>Men, will we ever understand you?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/06/01/1st_june_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-05-30:/2005/05/30/23_may_2005/sleepyhead2005-05-30T21:44:33+02:002005-06-05T17:24:26+02:00 <p>Right now I feel like I will not be able to make it through the day, my heart feels like its breaking into a thousand pieces. Somedays I feel to weak inside to pick myself up and carry on to the next day. I'm to much of a dreamer to think that something good could of actually have been happening in my life, it has never happend like that and it never will. I'm never going to have a peaceful spirit which is free. Everthing always seems to go so wrong. </p> <p>I feel like im sitting here with a brick for a heart and i just want to have a heart that has love and freedom in it, if that is even real. I just want all of the pain from the past to me and the pain from being used recently to pass me by but i'm not strong enough to over come it. </p> <p>The one thing that i have always wanted in my life was to be accepted and to be loved. Love is very important to me and if i dont feel loved i hit rock bottom and start to feel a panic inside me, not a good side of any person. </p> <p>The man that i have been seeing for a while at work (JR)has treated me really badly, i dont know what else i expected but he has literally caused as much trouble for me as possible then moved onto someone else who we work with and left me to pick all the mess up. I feel so shown up that I could actually have thought that this person liked me. Everybody at work is now looking at me like im a sick puppy and feeling sorry for me. I dont need that. I am really hurt by it all and i feel so ashamed of myself for taking all of his lies in. I thought i'd found a man with a heart. I was wrong again. </p> <p>I really enjoyed being with him, he was the first man that i have ever felt comfortable with and who made me feel safe. </p> <p>I'm honestly starting to feel like i've had the spirit knocked out of me and that love deoesnt exist, that its all lies. Im exhaused by it all. Will anyone truly want to settle for me?</p> <p>I'm too much of a romantic and far to much of a dreamer. I always see the good in people and see the bad far to late. By the time i do see it i've always fell for the person and find it so hard to walk away and pick myself back up, brush myself off and smile. </p> <p>I used to be such a strong person, to be honest i used men and i'm being repaid for it now. This is my Karma. I'm being punished for the hurt that i caused them, i just know it is. I think now i have a big sign above my head which say ' Door Mat' and thats exactly how they treat me. They see me and my insecurities coming a mile away and treat me like a fool. They see me as an easy target to get what they want then move on as nothing has happend and no one was affected but in reality everything that everyone has ever done to me has affected me and it really shouldnt have. </p> <p>Im a Cooke, the Cooke women are strong so why dont I feel that way? </p> <p>I was just starting for enjoy myself after all the hurt that JE caused me. This is what happens when I start to get happy! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/05/30/23_may_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-05-30:/2005/05/30/20_may_2005/sleepyhead2005-05-30T21:12:22+02:002005-05-30T21:12:22+02:00 <p>This is a list of what I want in my life in no order; </p> <p>1. To be loved<br> 2. Remember all the nice things people have said about me and forget the bad.<br> 3. Laughing.<br> 4. Dance. No matter where I am. Dance.<br> 5. To dance with my husband on our 70th wedding aniversary.<br> 6. To get a car and drive. Put the roof down and forget my troubles.<br> 7. To love myself and my body.<br> 8. Not to worry about the past, I cant change it so learn from it.<br> 9. When I'm 60 I want to look at photos of myself when I was younger and think how lucky and pretty I really was.<br> 10. To stop playing with my hair because I'll miss it when it drops out.<br> 11. To love my family. They are the ones that will always be here for me no matter what.<br> 12. To have babies, lots of them.<br> 13. Someone to sing a love song about me.<br> 14. To do something everyday that scares me.<br> 15. To treat people how I want to be treated.<br> 16. To make friends. Friends are easy to make and lose but truly good friends are hard to find.<br> 17. I want someone to look up to me. Always remember something that I did to help them.<br> 18. Never to take anything for granted. Anything can be lost.<br> 19. To get married.<br> 20. Stay married.<br> 21. Stop worrying.<br> 22. Dont be reckless with peoples heart and dont put up with people who are reckless with mine. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/05/30/20_may_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-05-30:/2005/05/30/18_may_2005/sleepyhead2005-05-30T20:59:16+02:002005-06-05T17:21:45+02:00 <p>Everyday I feel as if my life is changing. Sometimes for better and sometimes for the worst. I feel like i'm being pulled all over the place. </p> <p>My life feels like one big stuggle and the moment and i'm exhausted.<br> My bodies tired, my heart is lonely, my mind is exhausted and my soul is hurting. I honestly feel like I have the World on my shoulders and I can't snap out of it. </p> <p>Everyone has had bad times in their life, mine seem never ending. </p> <p>All I have ever wanted is to be happy. </p> <p>Until recently the man that was suppose to love me beat me, destroyed everything I have ever worked for and taken away my spirt. </p> <p>He tried to kill me. Put his hands around my neck and squeezed. The one feeling that i will never ever forget is the feeling of knowing that this person could have caused my family so much pain by taking me away and i will never forget the feeling and panic of knowing that he wanted me dead - air leaving my body and gasping for it back. I managed to get away. </p> <p>That was a turning point for me and i hope that i never think about him again - let him get to me. I got out. </p> <p>I dont know why I stayed for so long, thats the question i will ask myself till my dying day. Why did I stay when this person was doing this to me? I suppose it was always better after, he always regretted it. </p> <p>When he was nice to me he was very nice but when he was angry I always got the blame and he took it all out on me. One night after he had been drinking he had me in the corner of the room screaming and sobbing for my life. I called the Police - they came but I was made to pretend nothing had happend while he waited upstairs with a knife. I had to sleep on the cold floor in the living room that night and many other nights. All it took was for me to open my mouth to speak towards the end and hell would break loose.</p> <p>I used to lie next to him in bed with bile in my throat just looking at him. Thinking if i could honestly kill this person to get away from him or myself. Which he tried to do. </p> <p>That is something that I will never put up with again. </p> <p>I'm stuck in the past and I feel like I cant move forward at the moment. Im breaking my own heart and I dont know how to stop. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/05/30/18_may_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:kcooke.blog.co.uk,2005-05-30:/2005/05/30/17_may_2005/sleepyhead2005-05-30T20:35:50+02:002005-06-05T16:43:57+02:00 <p>I want what eveyone with a heart and dreams want in this world - I what a Happy Ending. I want my Fairy Tale. To live happly ever after. </p> <p>I'm a romantic person, all i've ever wanted was for someone to come along and sweep me off my feet in total Love.</p> <p>I believe that Love can last forever if you find the right person. I can't imagine anything better in life than waking up next to someone who you love with all of your heart and soul everyday and still feel so much love for that person - whether is be a man or your child. Love like what i want is unbreakable. Feeling so much love for someone and giving it back in return, feeling so safe. </p> <p>I'm only 22 years old. I have plenty of time to look for my Happy Ending but to be honest somedays I feel like I will never find it. Sometimes I feel like there is no one out there who will ever love me. </p> <p>Deep down though I still feel that there is a Prince Charming out there for me and he will ride along when i'm not looking for him but how can you stop looking? We will find each other one day. </p> <p>Some people will think the kind of love that I want does not exist and that everyone must fall out of love at some stage, nobody can stay in true love forever and that people who do love each other have turned into friends over the years and lost that spark. I dont believe this at all. I want to be dancing with my husband on our 70th wedding aniversary still feeling deep love for him. </p> <p>Maybe i'm just living in a dream world. Who knows, only my future holds that answer for me. </p> <p>Scroll down for my recent posts and please dont laugh at my life!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://kcooke.blog.co.uk/2005/05/30/17_may_2005/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>